Monday, October 21, 2013

Certified Advice

Having been married for over a year, I find that I am now certified to give marriage advice. {That's how it works, right?}

So after this beautiful and very imperfect one year of marriage I would like to share a couple of things that I learned up to this point!

1. Don't buy the thickest comforter for your bed, even though it looks like the best option considering how cold you get at night. 
This was mine and Erron's first mistake when preparing to move in together. We both get colder than snowflakes on a Decembers night so, reasonably, we bought the thickest/warmest/coziest comforter we could find. And MAN was our first night together HOT {and in more than one way (; }! But all kidding aside, it was certifiably the hottest night I've ever experienced. We both forgot to add in the fact that we would be sleeping next to each other, {and in Erron's romantic words he would be "sleeping next to an exhaust tailpipe."} and we were sweating like dogs. Not fun.

2. Go to bed in the middle of a fight.
Throughout my entire life I have always heard the cautionary phrase "Don't go to bed until you have resolved all your problems." Or "Never go to bed angry at one another." Well, I don't know if I just have issues and am really messed up, but doing the opposite is what works best for me. Now I can't say I've gotten Erron's opinion on this matter, but I think he'd agree that the waters are generally smoother when we sleep on our fight. I know that for me, I get really steamed and need time to cool off. Usually I need to come to terms with things myself and then I can approach Erron peacefully to resolve whatever the issue is. So when we were first married and fought at night I would think to myself "Chels, you can't just go to sleep because that's against the rules." First of all, there are no rules. And secondly, this unofficial rule made this a BAJILLION times WORSE. Here I would be at 12:30 AM still arguing with my husband, not anywhere near a "solution," and ADDING to the problem was the thought in the back of my mind "Wow, I'm only going to get 6 hours of sleep tonight. GREAT." Which in turn made things worse because I was then pissed that I was losing time of my coveted sleep.
Go to bed on a fight. If you're anything like me, when you wake up in the morning you will generally be simmered down & able to deal with the situation with a clear mind. 

3. Sex is NOT what you expect.
Sex is freaking amazing. Don't get that confused with what I am saying. However, it is NOT what you learn about in today's society. You think it's going to be just like what you see in the movies, all perfect & romantic. With nothing going wrong. All least this was my view. And I thought I was being realistic. I thought that your first few times were a little rocky with some slight awkwardness, but then you're good to go for the rest of my life together. 
This is not the true story. Let's just say that there are a lot of things that can go wrong.
Sex is work. It's good work, but work.
I don't really want to get too much into this topic, just because it's so personal. And my view is that it is between you, your partner, & God. But I think I'll end on this note: buy the book Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman. This book is one of the greatest books you will ever read. And even if you're already married and have been for years and years, still get it and read it. You wont regret it.

4. Friends will come and go. Mostly go. 
Erron & I have both struggled with this mostly since we got engaged. I don't know what about putting a ring on your left hand makes people run away, but friends that you thought you were tight with will fade into the backdrop of your life. This is a very generalized statement, I realize that. There will be friends that stay, especially your best friends. But don't lose hope. I sank into a bit of depression when I realized that nobody had texted or called me to hang out for months. It's tough. But it does get better. Again, it's just a little bit more work than you're probably used to. 
The best part about "friends in marriage" is that you gain "couple friends" which yes, once-in-awhile, aren't the best, but for the most part they're really fun to have! Just make sure your spouse likes them just as much as you do.

5. Don't compare or tally who is "winning."
This might sounds a bit silly and "der-hur" but it really makes a difference! For example, I was extremely guilty of keeping a tally of how much of our time was spent with his family compared to mine. I'm pretty independent and come from an pretty independent family, so when we got married & started spending more time with his family than mine, I got really hurt. Like to the point where I would come home after hanging out with his family and lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Our families are VERY different. Like I said, mine is more hands-off, while his is very hands-on. So when I started comparing his family to mine is where I got myself into trouble. Everybody is different, make sure you let your spouse know how you are feeling on an issue. Everybody {girl} needs cry time, but make sure that your spouse DOES know if you are hurt. This way issues can be resolved. The point isn't to always get your way, but if you married a good person, they will make sure to work with you to fix the problem & make sure that you are HAPPY! (: Compromises suck sometimes, but in the end, both sides are far happier.

Well, I hope that any or all of these points will help you either prepare for marriage or make your marriage better! Let me know what you think as well as letting me know if I really am just a weirdo.

Thank you for reading!

1 comment:

  1. I agree with all of the above! Especially when it comes to sleeping on an argument, although Logan doesn't totally agree I alway feel better in the morning. Maybe we should be "couple friends"! Haha